Up north

Currently reading..

Handle with Care by Jodi Picoult. I received it as a Christmas present this year and am already hooked. Will post updates when I am done.

Christmas blog to come.

For now...

I find when I have nothing keeping me super busy, I lack complete ambition to blog. I'm not sure it's an embarrassment issue or what. It is much more rewarding writing about life when there are multiple things going on, and you feel like you are a productive person. Since I am not working, going to school, or saving the world I should expand my horizons and try changing it up a bit and write about social economics, war, religion... or not.

To get the school issue out of the way.. I failed. Really, that's the bottom line. The expectations were at a certain level and I wasn't able to meet them. I still have some slight animosity toward my egomaniacal instructor, that pushed and pushed without having an ounce of compassion. Or a soul for that matter. Realistically though, it was all me. I am to blame. Almost two months later, it still hurts to admit that I failed at something that I thought I was going to be amazing at. My school journey will continue in the Spring with the Central Service Technician Program. Only a semester long, it basically just entails the sterilization of the instruments that are to be used in surgery. I'm ready to move on.



Since my failure, I haven't been doing too much. Things have been happening in my life, without my body leaving the couch. My Uncle Michael passed away a few weeks ago and I haven't fully realized what that means to me yet. He was one of the greatest men I have ever known. A person who lived life to its fullest, had a kind word for everyone, and just made you feel at ease the moment you met him. My father's brother, he was the first sibling of either of my parents to pass away. It bothers me that I don't' really know how my dad is dealing with the loss. Since he lives in Florida, I have been trying to read in between the pauses, fake cheerfulness and whatever other cues I am able to get through a telephone conversation. Which is hopeless.

to be continued

It's been too long since I have last blogged. I promise a long one coming up, okay? Think the typical holiday theme, men, sickness, school, and much much more..

This little light of mine.. I'm gonna let it shine.

So stressed, meltdowns upon meltdowns.

My light is burning out.

spare time

It's been awhile. School will do that to a person, I suppose. Especially, school that limits my sleep. It's difficult to write a blog when the alternative is to see my boyfriend, whom I haven't seen in 4 or 5 days and he lives less than 2 miles away. When I am struggling to maintain my composure and the mere thought of my feelings brings tears to my eyes, blogging doesn't seem to be the smartest choice. I am just waiting for the moment when the flood gates open. The stress over the past 4 weeks has brought me to tears, but each time they start, I have managed to quickly recover. Except I really haven't recovered. For whatever reason I cannot completely let go and sob. Really sob. With my whole body. I feel unsatisfied, like squeezing bubble wrap and the result being a lackluster whine rather than a pop.

I am doing okay, but I find myself catching my breath, sighing as if I am forgetting to breathe.

So much for breathing being involuntary...

I just need to let it out but I don't have time too.

thoughts

Maybe you read my last post and are able to sense that I am trying to build a relationship with God. Or perhaps you think that I am reading the bible out of pure boredom, which I guess could be possible. Anyway, I have been having conversations with God lately, telling him what I am looking for out of life, expressing my fears, complaining about the Cubs... you know, the usual soul searching stuff. This is all going fine, except I have a small concern. Is God hard of hearing? Or maybe really soft spoken? Either way, I am afraid I am not hearing or seeing the answers I need.

Bottom line: One of us better start speaking up. Soon.

currently reading...

The book of all books. The Bible. I am on page 16, which is the equivalent to page 73 in a "normal" book. The comprehension of this is so-so, I'm doing better than I thought I would be. However, keeping all these people straight.. and their children... and their children... and their children. You get the point.

It is all very time consuming and my ability to speed read is not coming in handy.

Different mood...

I don't know what this means... but someone help me.

I've been watching movies on the Lifetime and Hallmark channels.

Frustration

I wish I could send a letter to Bub's housemates. They need a lesson in communication and compassion, and I am more than willing to give them that lesson.

Unfortunately, it's not my place. It's not my place. It's not my place.
Will someone please keep telling me that over and over before I overstep my boundaries?



Thanks.

Never fear

I made lasagna tonight for the second time in roughly 8 years. I'm not exaggerating either. The first time I made it obviously didn't turn out too well. I was ambitious back then, grabbing random ingredients, not so much as even glancing at a recipe. I was confident that my Italian roots alone would carry me to success. I was sadly mistaken. The result was so traumatizing that I almost had to be hypnotized to remember the outcome. The lasagna consisted of tough "more than al dente" noodles stuck together with a minuscule amount of sauce and cheese, cooked to a burnt crisp. I remember trying to chew through the first bite and tell myself that it really wasn't so bad. After a few more forced swallows I couldn't kid myself any longer and threw my lasagna and my heritage in the trash.

Lately, I had been revisiting my love of lasagna by viewing recipes online and soon I began toying with the idea of attempt numero dos. This time I researched carefully, looking for moderately easy recipes with ingredients that I could afford. I narrowed it down to a couple of recipes and decided to use them as my guide, not really following either one exactly. After shopping for my supplies at two different stores and a couple of hours of preparation, my masterpiece was finished. Now for me, cooking isn't fun unless you have someone to share it with. Luckily, I have just the hungry, (albeit picky) male for the job. Mark came over for dinner after a long hard day and had not one, but TWO massive servings and asked for some to take home as well.

SUCCESS!

Oh, I enjoyed the lasagna as well. I already have some ideas to do some minor tweaking.

My lasagna fear is now conquered.

just words

I know I complain, but I am thankful.
I know I cry, but I am happy.
I know I yell, but I am calm.
I know I hurt, but I am strong.

I close my eyes, but I still see.
The pieces of you, the pieces of me.






I want to do more with this.. wish I could make a collage on a blog somehow.. thinking.. thinking..

I need to remember those moments I have, where I feel like no one "gets me".
I know I am not the only one. Too many times do we see what we want to see and not realize that there are so many more pieces to the puzzle. Even the silliest of people are much more deeper than we give them credit for.








"free your mind and the rest will follow"

Mile-stones

Tonight, I ran a freaking mile! The last time I ran a mile, it was 1993.
Now you understand why I am so flipping happy. So happy, that I don't even care that it took me almost 15 minutes.

Rhythm

I really wish I had a camera last night. I saw dance moves from Mark that I had never seen before. Sigh, I love him.

Congratulations to Jake and Michelle! Such a great wedding!

Good Intentions

I bought bananas, blackberries and apples.

I made chocolate chip cookies and ate three.




No, it was four.

Odds

I want to pee my pants every single time I think of my father's mispronunciation of cilantro.

"Cirantro". Priceless.

love hate relationship

Dear Body,

Why do you hate me? Was it the glass of wine I had? The deep fried cheese curds? Or maybe it was the pan of rice krispie treats that I demolished in less than 24 hrs...? Don't hold a grudge, please. Remember the endless glasses of water I give you everyday? How about the walks I take you on when I am ambitious enough to get you off the couch? Oh! The showers I give you... c'mon, that must be heaven, right? Please, stop torturing me, I get the point. No more fun. Lets get back to bland boring food and a regular cardio routine.

No more smoking crack, I promise.

my mind, my worst enemy

I despise the dreams that disappoint. No joy in waking up second guessing and feeling uneasy. I envy those that don't remember the stories that dance in their mind, in the middle of the night.

I will

I will have more dance parties and not care that people are able see me through the window. I will channel my inner Shakira and learn how to shake my hips even if I end up breaking one. I will not shave my legs anymore, I usually miss half of it anyway. I will shave my head and be the best G.I. Jane I can be, rock hard abs and all. I will learn. I will gamble. I will enjoy ice cream whenever the temperature rises above 70 degrees and triggers my craving. I will sleep on the beach with nothing but my sleeping bag, the stars, and a handgun. I will no longer let grizzly bears haunt my dreams. I will love. I will get a tattoo of an organ donor ribbon on the back of my neck. I will run. I will buy a box of sangria and not feel ashamed if I finish it in a week. I will write a book. I will travel to Florence, Italy and stand among dozens of people (or streets) that share my name. I will be a mother. I will speak to God like he is my best friend, not some distant relative who lives miles away. I will sky dive. I will apologize. I will shed all negative thoughts, petty grudges and unfounded fears. I will show gratitude. I will show pain.



I will wake up.

I will not regret.

Paranoia

The Lake House. Why do I love this movie so much? It probably made a handful of money in the box office and has Keanu Reeves as a lead romantic actor. Maybe because it is the one "chick flick" that Mark and I seen at the theatre together. Sigh... Or perhaps its just because I am a Pisces, a overly emotional sap.

I had been meaning to write a blog of my recent life events a long time ago, such as my new nephew, my father visiting. I don't really have an excuse for not blogging about it, other than not being in the mood. The visit with my dad was typical, the same as it usually is. Despite his overwhelming personality and inability to be serious, I am glad I was able to spend time with him. It had been two and a half years and I was starting to get paranoid that his health was spiraling out of control and he would be unrecognizable to me. As for my nephew, Gabe, all is well with him. When I say he is perfect, I could be biased.. but I'm not. He is perfect. Ask anyone. Now that I am back in Eau Claire, I miss him on a daily basis and worry that he will forget who I am. Silly, I know, but again.. that paranoia. I just can't kick it.


Oh..
Happy Early Father's Day to all those Dads out there!

rough draft

this feeling in the pit of my stomach...
when will it go away?
these words replaying in my head...
which ones shall I choose to say?

these eyes of mine have seen so much ...
when will it feel as I have had enough?
freely the wind blows and cleanses my soul
yet these emotions have already taken their toll

moments have passed, time will no longer wait...
has my unwavering guilt sealed my fate?
these answers I may forever seek...
for the questions I am unable to speak.

Busy

May is pure insanity. Already, I have attended one of Cabrina's softball games, celebrated Mother's Day with my family, hung out with Mark's family at the cabin in Chetek, conquered another anniversary with Mark (3 years!)and continued my up and down struggle with running. Yet to come is Timothy's college graduation in Duluth, the birth of my nephew, Greek food with Andrea, a much needed haircut, developing photos from my disposable cameras, saying goodbye to my roommate Tom, the birth of my friend's third child, picking up my dad from the airport (and dropping him off), getting a physical for school in the fall and of course continuing the running game.
I love to be busy! I have been bored for way too long.

I received my birthday present from Mark today. Yes, it was two months late (exactly), but it is something that I wanted and never would have bought for myself.
I am now a proud owner of a Carlos Zambrano Jersey. Considering that Mark oh so subtly measured me a couple months ago, I wasn't too shocked that my present was an article of clothing, ha ha! He always gives the most thoughtful gifts, but tends to give away his surprises. It doesn't help that I am the master detective and never miss a beat either.

Mark and I had a conversation about vacations the other day and how we really need to go on one this summer. Three years of dating and we haven't been on a vacation together with just the two of us! How sad! It was fun bouncing ideas off of each other and thinking of places that both of us would enjoy. I wouldn't say we are opposites, but we do have different tastes in this area and wherever we go, compromises will definitely need to be made. Oh, and a camera will need to be purchased! I am so tired of being without one. For those wondering why my blog lacks photos, this is why!

Okay, enough updates for now, I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow I am plan on venturing to a baby store called "Adorable". I am hoping to find unique gifts that I can get for a decent price. I can't believe that this baby will be here any day now!

more fitness

I wish my life were more exciting right now and that I would have tons and tons of updates. Unfortunately, that is not the case. One thing that is somewhat of an update, is that I am still plugging away at the whole running thing. Last post I was overjoyed with the accomplishment of running for a mere two minutes. Now, I am up to ten. I still have no clue what the distance is, for all I know it could be half a mile, ha! Oh well, all I care is that my heart is getting a workout and that I feel amazing afterwards. Just when my ego starts to inflate, I come back to reality as soon as I start thinking of my sister-in law Heather, who is training for a marathon! Seriously, just to be training for one is impressive to me!

**okay, got a little lazy and was distracted here. will do another blog soon.

Pain

I hate seeing people I love in emotional or physical distress. If only I had a magic wand...

Hodgepodge (one word or two?)

I've been getting into the whole exercise thing again lately. It's kind of addicting. I feel like I constantly should be moving around now though. Unfortunately, I think it's starting to get on my roommates nerves.

Now if I could only get my eating habits in order. My day of eating consisted of coffee for breakfast (with a couple peanut m&m's),a chicken breast and green beans for lunch, and finally... chocolate milk and peanut m&m's for dinner. Oh, and a couple fries that I stole from Rachel. I of course had a couple glasses of water and one glass of wine throughout the day as well. Right now I am blaming these eating habits on my lack of funds. I can't go grocery shopping, so I am basically eating whatever odds and ends I have left. I'm getting pretty creative, I must say.
Tomorrow I plan on frying up some potatoes and sprinkling some m&m's on top.
I kid, I kid.

Fitness Queen?

So Fitness Queen might be a stretch...

I ran for a full two minutes today. Impressive, right? Those who know me well, actually will think that it is very impressive. I also walked for roughly 42 minutes. Why don't I do this more often? I felt amazing and full of energy afterwards! Okay, I know why I don't do it more often. I am too poor for a gym membership, I live in Wisconsin, where pretty much 40 percent of the year, the weather is not ideal for exercise and that other detail... I'm lazy.
Tomorrow is supposed to be above 50 degrees, so walking I shall go. Again. I promise. Who knows? I could even run again...


Life is full of surprises.

Forgiveness

I have been on a forgiveness kick lately. Here are some of my favorite forgiveness quotes.

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. ~Paul Boese

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. ~Mahatma Gandhi

I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one. ~Henry Ward Beecher

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself. ~Harriet Nelson

Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
~Mark Twain



You know you want to forgive someone today. It's easier than not.

Okay, so apparently my last post scared people and now they aren't reading my blog anymore. So, let me clear something up. I don't mind it when generic communication takes place online. It's those confrontational, dramatic conversations that I would much rather have in person.

This Saturday is Amy's baby shower. I am pretty excited, there will be quite a few people attending that I haven't seen in ages. I am even more excited for May, when this little baby boy will actually be here! Yay for babies!

Just so you know

I prefer human contact. Not contact via the computer. The lack of clarity in conversations that take place online, is just way too overwhelming for me to handle. I would rather someone yell in my face then attempt to do it online.

Renovating

Messing around with some new blog colors/layouts. The old one was getting too dark for me.

Envy

I aspire to be one of those uncensored bloggers someday. You know, the ones that actually pour all their emotions into their blogs, without thinking what one will think or how they will judge.

I will be that blogger someday, somehow. Until then, I will just envy the free spirits who recklessly pour their hearts out.

If you are happy and you know it...

I believe that happiness is a choice. I think that most people would agree with me on this. What I don't understand is why people don't choose the happiness path more often. Am I just being naive in believing that it really is that easy? I, myself, need to remember to pick that happiness path more often. To those who never pick it? You don't know what you are missing out on.

Pride

In one year and one day I will be thirty. Seriously, where has the time gone? I have had many ups and downs in my life and am ready for the downs to be over with. However, I am beginning to learn that no matter how old I am, how much I have been through, God always has new challenges awaiting me.

A recent battle of mine has to do with morality, standing up for what I believe in, and knowing when to back down. I'm a stubborn girl. When I have an opinion in something, or feel I have been wronged, it takes quite a bit for me to back down.
With this latest battle, my integrity and my pride seem to be clashing. God knows I need to take the high road and be the bigger person. I just wish that it were that easy. I need to realize that just because another may resort to insults and venom, it doesn't mean that I need to stoop to their level. Let's face it though, I, like everyone else, strive have my voice heard.

When does it become pointless? Is vindication too selfish of a desire?

So many movies... so little cash.

I need to see so many movies.

Little Miss Sunshine
Revolutionary Road
The Notebook
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Twilight (heard this was awful, but I read the book...)
He's just not that into you
Gran Torino
Taken
Milk
A Walk To Remember
Gone with the Wind
Casablanca
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
My Sister's Keeper (another book)
No Country for Old Men
Sex and the City
Breakfast at Tiffany's
The Family Stone
The Reader
27 Dresses
Slumdog Millionaire
Shop Girl
Waitress
Garden State

Okay,that's enough for more. I need to get me some Netflix or something...
Oh, and anyone want to over some reviews? No spoilers though! :)

lowercase this place

this blogging thing is harder than i thought. imagine that. seriously, i dont know if I should blog about things that are big, things that are little, things that are profound. really, do people care about the little things? like, how the other day i shoveled the sidewalk and parts of the driveway, and then i cleaned off my car and knocked a bunch of snow on to the driveway. this of course bothered me so much that i had to reshovel that area. do people really want to know how neurotic i can be. or how about the fact that i am not using all the correct capitalization and punctuation in this blog because i am lazy and find that i can type 3 times faster without doing so? honestly, i feel more open and creative when i am lying in my bed. unfortunately, my computer is usually downstairs in the living room, completely shutdown. so that is the main reason i dont blog very much. oh, and the fact that my life is mostly boring with a little uninteresting mixed in. feelings i have been having lately: anxiousness... mostly due to not being able to get into a program at school yet. moody... due to being female. haha. seriously, my hormones have been a ragin' lately. what gives? guilt... i have been feeling guilty for inflicting my moodiness on innocent bystanders. guilty for not doing more productive things with all my free time. for not being a better friend. a better girlfriend. a better sister. a better daugther. a better roomate. yeah, so mostly been feeling guilty lately, huh? hmmm.... that has definitely got to change.
getting excited lately though, that is a good feeling. can't wait til my sis pops out her kid in may. i hope she throws out all her name ideas and decides to name munchkin after me. florence is a good boy name, right? seriously, i cant wait to see her as a mom. tear.
valentines day was last weekend. was a little bummed that mark had to work late, but we made the best of it. we did our annual trip to olive garden. its one of our few traditions and it made me happy. i like traditions. they make me smile. no, i am not drunk. ahh, i still have some chocolates left over. i have been playing russian roulette with them. so far, its been about a success rate of about 50-50.
its getting late, and i hvae to hit the restroom. was going to make brownies, but sleep sounds more appealing. never thought i would say that...




i met God awhile back. more about that, later.

just one more thing...

I want to have babies. I have always wanted to have babies. Let me clarify. I want to have my own babies, carried in my own stomach. Being the sometimes unhealthy person that I am, that may not be a realistic option for me when the timing is right. Only recently has this started to bother me. The reality of not being capable of carrying my own child has been creeping up on me for whatever reason and its not something that I can shake off. I have accepted the fact that I most likely will not be able to start having children until I am over thirty, I can deal with that. However, that option of not having them at all? Devastating. I find my eyes welling up with pools of saltiness at just the mere thought of it. I always pride myself in being this positive person, who is always trying to find the sun behind every cloud. However, with this specific subject matter it just doesn't seem feasible to me right now. Positivity seems to escape me. You see, I did say that I have always wanted and wanted... yet, I have never pictured it happening to me. I have told myself over and over that it will probably not happen because of the meds I am, because of the risks, etc... This way I can't be as disappointed. Unfortunately, I am starting to feel disappointed already and I am nowhere near even being ready to try to get pregnant or even see what my options are (if any). Sometimes, I feel greedy. Asking God for a healthy pregnancy and baby would be too much. I have had too many blessings, too many prayers answered to be expecting this as well.

This is my new fear.

"Two kidney transplants? Love? Shelter? Food? Florence Anne, you have used up your miracles for this lifetime."
Love,
God.

Because I can.

I have the tendency to rewrite sentences in my blogs over and over. I'm not exactly sure why. Afterall, this is just a glorified diary of sorts, albeit a public one, but still. Why do I feel the need to censor/edit/correct my personal writing.

I should take a butter knife to my backspace button and eliminate all temptations of editing.

I am $1408.00 away from paying off my first vehicle. Ever.

I always get the urge to write a blog when I am exhausted.

Hmm, I am going to write an amazing blog soon. I promise.

Feeling a little freaked out right now, being home alone is nice sometimes, but freaky at other times. Like for example; when it's 11:46 p.m. and you are sitting on the couch, in your fuzzy pajamas, next to a large window (with no curtains, because they fell down on your head). I'm going to bed. Where its safe. And the windows are covered.

Don't mess with imperfection.

Welcome to 2009. With the new year comes resolutions, so-called life changes, and a new outlook. As cliche as it may sound, I have a good feeling about this year. My main goal is to maintain a positive on outlook no matter what God may throw at me.
I will strive to have a healthy and happy relationship and settle for nothing less. I will be receptive to constructive criticism and accept that there is always room for improvement.
I will not let financial, health, or social issues that I cannot control, bring me down.
I will let myself feel without being ashamed.
I will make mistakes and I will learn from them.
I will admit when I am wrong.
I will not regret.
I will embrace the person that I have become.
I will have (more) faith.
I will blog more.