Post-Thanks

The week of Thanksgiving people come out of the woodwork giving thanks for this, giving thanks for that.  It was a little cheesy, but in a good way.  It is now, after Thanksgiving that I have given the ever so popular, "What are you thankful for? " question quite a bit of thought.

 Here are just a few things that I have to be so very thankful for:

A God that loves me unconditionally and forgives my mistakes big and small.

Inheriting the strong personality of my grandmother and mother.  Admiration doesn't even scratch the surface. 

Being a daddy's girl. I hate to admit it, but I can't fight it. 

Having a step-father who stepped in the father role and loves my mother like she deserves to be loved.

Two older siblings who may not be my best friends, but were still willing to undergo risky life changing surgery to save mine.

A  younger sibling who wishes he was able to do the same as the above ones. I pray that time never comes. 

Nieces and nephews who I cannot imagine my life without. My world would be so boring. They have no idea the joy they bring me.

Cousins that actually contact me outside of holidays, weddings and funerals.

Aunts and Uncles that always seem to make me feel like their favorite.

In-laws who treat me as if I were born into the family.

An array of friends who are so vastly different yet all mean so much to me. Some of the best laughs have come from moments with these people.

And last, but not least, a boyfriend who loves me and all my imperfections without hesitation. Even in my darkest days, when I fight it more than anything else in the world, he can make me smile. 

Sense of Urgency

I need my mother's recipes. The simple, the complex, the ones she knows by heart and cannot be found in a book. 

 I crave her homemade chicken soup with dumplings. And her stew. And her gravy. Oh my! Have you had my mother's gravy? You must. I insist.

These decisions we make.  They reflect off of everyone around us. They push us, like dominoes. Falling into one another. Waking up, only when it's too late and we've hit the ground.

I keep tellin' myself, I'm unaffected.

Impossible.

Late

Last night, I had a dream that I was fighting with my father.  He and I used to be closer, used to have that easy flowing conversation. Not so much anymore, our conversations seem to be a little forced.  It's hard living hundreds of miles away, to connect through a telephone. Hell, it's hard to stay connected to the people that are in my own zip code.

I think that dreams tend to have some meaning to them, whether subtle hints at things we should be doing differently or deeper underlying codes that we are never meant to decipher. 

Problem is, I don't know which category mine fall into.

Autumn

blurb

While drowning in a sea of regret
My emotions are what rise to the surface

Please and Thank you

What happened to good old fashioned manners? My roommate just started rifling through the Sunday paper, that Mark purchased, all while blocking the television show I happened to be watching.
Is it so difficult to ask " Excuse me, is this yours? Do you mind if I take a section?"

Trust me, this is not the most difficult thing I have to deal with concerning co-habitation with others. However, it did irk me. Is this just another one of those signs that I am getting old and overly sensitive?

Eyes Wide Open

I've decided that kids are mini-genuises.  Scary smart.  Powerful creatures, who if terribly disturbed, could take over the world.

I'm not kidding.


I've been babysitting for the past couple weeks, for a 3 1/2 year old and a 6 year old.  I feel as if my intelligence is being questioned on a regular basis.

It's not a calming feeling.

Feelin' Thirty

I want a tattoo.
I want to dye my hair blonde or black or pink...
I want to go sky diving.
I want to own a coffee shop.
I want to move to New York or Italy or Georgia or ...
I want to drive an ostentatious Hummer, just once.
I want to be a food critic.
I want to go to Vegas.
I want a close relationship with God.
I want to be a song writer
I want to learn how to play guitar.
I want to speak without consequence.
I want twins.
I want to be a doctor.
I want to run marathons.
I want to see my grandmother again.
I want to be best friends with my sister and brothers.
I want to live in the mountains.
I want to be a mentor.
I want to rescue animals.
I want to paint.
I want to live forever.
I want.

forgive me

I'm terrible, I know. 
The words are unable to flow.

I am woman.

Hear me roar.

 The mood swings, the hormone induced depression, the migraines, the binge eating... Dear Lord, if this is what happens to me every single month, do I really ever want to put myself through the hormonal roller coaster of pregnancy. Yikes.

The answer is yes. I think so.

Another monthly occurence are random crazy "do this tomorrow or your world is ending" thoughts.
Today, I decided I wanted to get married, which is not exactly an epiphany.
 However, I decided I wanted to do it tomorrow. Where does this sense of urgency come from?

That noise you hear? It's me screaming.

Frustration.

Gandhi

"The Roots of Violence: Wealth without work, Pleasure without conscience, Knowledge without character, Commerce without morality, Science without humanity, Worship without sacrifice, Politics without principles."

Desperate Times..

...Call for desperate measures.  Tonight, my broke self had a hankering for chocolate that wouldn't quit.  Unfortunately, I am dirt poor at the moment so I had to improvise. 

Solution:  Cream, Marshmallows, and Chocolate chips heated in the microwave on low.

It will do for now.


Yes, I realize that I need help.

Family

I am so blessed to have such amazing nieces and nephews! I love you all so much!

*Cabrina
*Kelsey
*Kendall
*Keagan
*Gabriel
*Walker
*Wyatt
*Westin
*Austin
*Bella (almost here!)





Special shout out to my nieces and nephews at heart! This list is just as long and as special!

-Mathew
-Alyssa
-Austin
-Lexi
-Robbie
-Sarah
-Tyler
-Caleb


I know this is another sappy post, but I would be lost without these people in my life and think they deserve a little spotlight.

Feel like a woman...

I'm just a mess. I'm an emotional basket case and have been for a week. My hormones should be on the downslide but instead are on the surface.  I'm crying at pictures of babies, crying at stories that have nothing to do with me, crying if someone so much as raises their voice at me. Tears of joy and tears of frustration. Tears of anger and tears of confusion.  Oh, and it's not just the tears. I'm angry too. My grandmother's "tell it like it is" attitude that I've inherited, is coming out more than ever. Then there is the irrational worrying. I'm freaking out over things that I cannot control, worrying about non-existant situations. 

This is why I haven't blogged in awhile.

Note to my loyal followers: Please don't read this and drive me off to a remote location where I will be promptly placed in a room with padded walls and a truck load of medication. I'm just a little hormonal, I promise.

Clinicals II

Long day. This is my first experience with working without pay. Not really digging it yet. It was a tad disorganized, no one knew when to take breaks, how long my breaks were supposed to be.
 At some points I felt in the way or a nuisance. Some people were friendly, some were... not so friendly? The locker room is tiny, I felt like I was changing in a closet. I feel so scatterbrained right now. What should I be working on? What should I be focusing on?

Clinicals

I start clinicals tomorrow. I'm a nervous wreck and am worrying about anything there is to worry about.  Here is a short list of my current worries:

clothes, what to wear (even though I will receive hospital issued scrubs upon arrival)
food, when will I be able to eat? If I don't eat.. I will get a horrible headache.. and die.
migraine. I will get a migraine and start throwing up everywhere.
brain. Mine won't function. I won't remember a single thing I learned.
allergies. It's that time of year for me.. so my eyes will be puffy and I will look like a stoner/crybaby/loser
hearing. Someone is going to tell me a valuable piece of information and I won't even know it.
employees at the hospital. I know they are going to be rude and act like they are better than me.
classmates. They are going to know everything and outshine me, making me look like the slow one.
sweat. I sweat profusely. I won't be able to lift my arms for the entire 7 hrs I am there.


freaking out..,

30 never looked so good?

You know who you are.

I wish you would just come out of the closet already.
I wish you would quit. Then I wouldn't have this built up resentment.
I keep waiting for you to say what I need to hear.
I love how amazing TRUST feels. Thank you.
I hope you reach your breaking point. For your own happiness.
I love that we are not "just family" anymore, but friends.
I love hearing how much alike we are. 
I miss the "old days". We were so close.
Quit making excuses. Either you want to change or you don't.
I am so proud of you, I hope you know this.
You are fake.
Thank you for your unconditional love and constant forgiveness.
Sometimes your walls make me want to scream!
I can never repay your kindness. Thanks is never enough.
Money does not buy happiness, so please stop pretending it does.
I can always tell when you are lying. Always.
You need therapy.
Thanks for being such a loser. You woke me up.
You are so genuine! Refreshing!
You have never called me just to chat.
I catch on when you are patronizing me.
I love you.
I miss you.
You tell it like it is. Thank you.
Thanks for actually listening. Really listening.

Golden Ticket

I received the famous (infamous?) Publisher's Clearing House packet in the mail. I wish I was lying when I say that I felt a  slight rush of adrenaline while opening it. Does anyone actually fill this out and send it back in? Do real people, under the age of 87 win? Do real people win, period? I'm curious as to why I am receiving it now, for the first time in my life.

Hmmm... I just turned 30. Coincidence? I think not.

Age

I'm freaking 30!

I broke his brakes. Part TWO

After thinking about the car situation tonight and talking about it with Tim, the bigger picture appeared.

 Mark and I rarely switch cars, we have no reason to. The way the incident unfolded, is not a coincidence.

 You see, my drive to class is less than 5 mins away and my speed doesn't exceed over 40 mph. Mark had to work today, hence why he was taking my car, to kill two birds with one stone. His commute is roughly 15 minutes and depending on what route he takes, his speed could get up to 70 mph.  I hate to think of what would have happened if he attempted to stop the vehicle at such a high speed, while his brakes were going out.

 Like always, God had a plan.

I broke his brakes.

I broke Mark's car today. The ONE day I drive it and the brakes go out. Why did I have to be driving it today, why? I feel horrible. The worst part? The reason we switched vehicles is so he could take my car to get my tire fixed and my oil changed for me. He was being nice and I ruined it.

Sigh.

Let a little love into your heart...

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope that all people are feeling some love today, whether it be from a significant other, child, animal, or perhaps maybe a bottle of wine.

 Everyone deserves a little love.

Music and Lyrics. They get me every time...

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You



Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense


Never let your prayin' knees get lazy


And love like crazy

aimless ramblings

Today is Courtney's 23rd birthday! Happy Birthday!

School is going okay, still lacking real ambition. So far I love my classmates, which is always nice.

I have been going to bed early (well earlier) and getting up early. Kinda like it, not complaining.

Made amazing Cheeseburger soup yesterday. Much better leftover, when none of the work is required. Mark was able to eat a couple bowls of it, so it must have been okay..

Hitting my monthly depression associated with raging hormones. Men have it way too easy.

Missing family like crazy. Especially, the nieces and nephews. This is not helping my biological clock either. Tick Tock.

Speaking of family, my mom is still working two jobs. I hate this. She is 55, she should be working less and relaxing more, not the opposite.

Again, with family, I found out my Uncle Michael's Memorial Service is at the end of the month. It is in Illinois, but I think I am going to ride down with my sister, Vince, and nephew Gabe. It will be rough, but I will be able to see my Dad and how he is really dealing with this loss.

Okay, my blogging ambition (what little I had) is now gone for the moment.. Dang.

Unplugged

I dislike computers. Okay, not the computer itself, but the hi-tech stuff, like Microsoft Word. Don't laugh at me, please. Mark does that enough already. I am required to take a computer class for the program I am in right now and I despise it with a passion. I, like many others, tend to despise things that I do not understand or excel at. I have offered to pay Mark to do all my work for me. So far, no go.

 Any other takers? Hello?

Scattergories, Part Three

It's been too long since I posted a blog, so I will do an "easy" one. Since I love the game Scattergories, I have been trying to do blogs that consist of my favorite things (people, moments, food, music, movies, etc..) that start with a letter from the alphabet. This is my third one, so obviously, I am on the letter "C".


Chocolate
Christ
Crab
Courtney
Cupcakes
Cookbooks
Cooking
Calligraphy
Cheese
Cash
Cuddling
Conan
Comfort
Candlelight
Cookies
Clermont
Chicago
Cubbies
Cilantro
Cousins
Coffee/Coffee Shops
Classmates
Crash
Creativity
Conservatives
Coldstone
Corn on the Cob
Cajun
Chili
Camera
Calla lilies

too be continued...

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye"

relationships

Monogamy. I believe in it. I support it. I hate to see people I care about get hurt by those who don't believe in it. If you don't love someone, own up to that feeling. Don't be a coward.

Best friends

Best friends are those that smear their mascara after you complain that they look better than you, before taking a picture. I love best friends.