For now...

I find when I have nothing keeping me super busy, I lack complete ambition to blog. I'm not sure it's an embarrassment issue or what. It is much more rewarding writing about life when there are multiple things going on, and you feel like you are a productive person. Since I am not working, going to school, or saving the world I should expand my horizons and try changing it up a bit and write about social economics, war, religion... or not.

To get the school issue out of the way.. I failed. Really, that's the bottom line. The expectations were at a certain level and I wasn't able to meet them. I still have some slight animosity toward my egomaniacal instructor, that pushed and pushed without having an ounce of compassion. Or a soul for that matter. Realistically though, it was all me. I am to blame. Almost two months later, it still hurts to admit that I failed at something that I thought I was going to be amazing at. My school journey will continue in the Spring with the Central Service Technician Program. Only a semester long, it basically just entails the sterilization of the instruments that are to be used in surgery. I'm ready to move on.



Since my failure, I haven't been doing too much. Things have been happening in my life, without my body leaving the couch. My Uncle Michael passed away a few weeks ago and I haven't fully realized what that means to me yet. He was one of the greatest men I have ever known. A person who lived life to its fullest, had a kind word for everyone, and just made you feel at ease the moment you met him. My father's brother, he was the first sibling of either of my parents to pass away. It bothers me that I don't' really know how my dad is dealing with the loss. Since he lives in Florida, I have been trying to read in between the pauses, fake cheerfulness and whatever other cues I am able to get through a telephone conversation. Which is hopeless.

to be continued

It's been too long since I have last blogged. I promise a long one coming up, okay? Think the typical holiday theme, men, sickness, school, and much much more..

This little light of mine.. I'm gonna let it shine.

So stressed, meltdowns upon meltdowns.

My light is burning out.

spare time

It's been awhile. School will do that to a person, I suppose. Especially, school that limits my sleep. It's difficult to write a blog when the alternative is to see my boyfriend, whom I haven't seen in 4 or 5 days and he lives less than 2 miles away. When I am struggling to maintain my composure and the mere thought of my feelings brings tears to my eyes, blogging doesn't seem to be the smartest choice. I am just waiting for the moment when the flood gates open. The stress over the past 4 weeks has brought me to tears, but each time they start, I have managed to quickly recover. Except I really haven't recovered. For whatever reason I cannot completely let go and sob. Really sob. With my whole body. I feel unsatisfied, like squeezing bubble wrap and the result being a lackluster whine rather than a pop.

I am doing okay, but I find myself catching my breath, sighing as if I am forgetting to breathe.

So much for breathing being involuntary...

I just need to let it out but I don't have time too.

thoughts

Maybe you read my last post and are able to sense that I am trying to build a relationship with God. Or perhaps you think that I am reading the bible out of pure boredom, which I guess could be possible. Anyway, I have been having conversations with God lately, telling him what I am looking for out of life, expressing my fears, complaining about the Cubs... you know, the usual soul searching stuff. This is all going fine, except I have a small concern. Is God hard of hearing? Or maybe really soft spoken? Either way, I am afraid I am not hearing or seeing the answers I need.

Bottom line: One of us better start speaking up. Soon.

currently reading...

The book of all books. The Bible. I am on page 16, which is the equivalent to page 73 in a "normal" book. The comprehension of this is so-so, I'm doing better than I thought I would be. However, keeping all these people straight.. and their children... and their children... and their children. You get the point.

It is all very time consuming and my ability to speed read is not coming in handy.