Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Of course it wouldn't hit me until midnight, while I am trying to eat a bowl of cereal the size of my head.

Monday, December 26, 2011

What the hell is so "good" about goodbyes?

Friday, December 23, 2011

 I will be spending my first Christmas in five years without a significant other. It will also be the first Christmas in years that my baby bro will not be in attendance of our family festivities.  The latter will definitely be the harder change to deal with.  Even though our ages are nearing 25 and 32, we have not shattered the tradition of spending Christmas Eve night with our parents and opening gifts at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning, just the four of us.  Since we are the childless and unmarried children in the family, its always just made sense.

I guess the most mature and eloquent way I can put my feelings on this is.. it's going to suck.  Adulthood sucks.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Be still.


                                Photo credit: The lovely Rheanna Guckenberg




As of right now, the rain is falling, this picturesque scene has faded, and my heart is asking me where to go from here. Be still, I say. Be still.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Sitting here, with my slightly overheated computer on my lap, I cannot help but wonder,  "Am I frying my ovaries?"

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own




KATE NASH

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Shock is a strange little thing. A blow to the stomach, you forget how to breathe. You process. You react. Or maybe you don't. You don't react. It could be perfectly normal to sit in silence for 23 minutes, staring at the wall, completely unaware that you are on the brink of insanity.  I heard my own heart beat today. I was disappointed. Not that I heard it, but that it was beating. I was pretty sure that it was broken. A heart that damaged cannot possibly survive. But it did. Apparently, the heart is one of the strongest muscles in the body and mine is not disputing this  fact. No, this heart of mine has something to prove. This week it has been testing me.

I just hope that my mind is as strong as my heart.
I feel like an ass.

Monday, December 5, 2011

For the first time, the words aren't spilling out of me. I am waiting to tell no one.
All the potential in the world...

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Take and Take?



Is there such a thing as equal love in relationships? Or will there always be one person who loves more? 
The quote "marry someone who loves you more than you love them" comes to mind.  

For those that believe in the above quote, what is the driving force behind your belief?
And for those who disagree..enlighten me.



Oh, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this 

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this 

Is it dark enough? 
Can you see me? 
Do you want me? 
Can you reach me? 
Or I'm leaving 

You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch your death
Oh, I mean it



Natalie Merchant

Monday, November 21, 2011

It's that time of the year again...

I am thankful for...

Every breath I take, every morning I wake
God
The parents that have shaped me to be who I am and love me unconditionally
An older, beautiful sister that I idolized growing up
The cooler older brother that will always make me feel 10
A baby brother that is my polar opposite one moment and twin the next.
Nieces and nephews that I cannot imagine my life without
Friends that take me as I am and come back for more
Classmates, who motivate me and put up with me all at once
Phone calls from people who hate talking on the phone
Moving forward
Honesty
The person in line who sees that I have two items to their forty and says "go ahead"
Texts that remind me everything is going to be okay
Sunshine
A great pair of jeans
Hot chocolate with whipped cream
Being someone's favorite
Pumpkin scented anything
Wine
Good beer
Long hot baths
My favorite tee shirt
Freedom
Mom's home cooked meals
Getting out of class early
Naps
Fudge caramel brownies
Fleece sweats
Flowers
Cookbooks
Laughter
Love
You













Sunday, November 20, 2011

I worry. I sob. I laugh as if it were my last laugh on earth. I hold on to your every word. I'm paranoid and will over analyze those words.  I can't help it if I'm manic when it comes to you. I am constantly giving it my all. Always.  I recognize the fear. I've been there too. No, I take that back. I'm there too. 
I am sorry for putting you on a boat that you don't belong on.
I'm blogging in my head. Which is great, but my head doesn't dump its contents onto my actual blog.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I'm a crazy girl, I just need to accept that.   :)

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Damn, I know the funniest people.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Remind me to take that step back more often.

Friday, October 28, 2011

I'm a dreamer living in a cynic's world where speaking your mind doesn't come cheap and playing by the rules is a losing battle.
I take things to the heart, where it matters most, don't let go when people get close. I rarely look before I leap, have regrets and am losing sleep.
I fear the unknown and love surprises, scoff at danger and dread goodbyes.

Faith in God comes in waves, faith in self is a work in progress.
My mind wanders and my memory fails.
A skeptic that wants to let go, let my soul lead, and just know.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

There are some moments as I get older that make me realize I am, indeed an adult.
One moment: almost reaching a euphoric high over knowing that your morning consists of sleeping in and hot chocolate.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Just a speed bump..

Not a road block.

Monday, October 17, 2011

When quitting is a good thing...

Prior to Sunday, I hadn't been on a real date since breaking up with Mark. Compared to the absolute atrocity of this so called date, I am pretty sure that another 6 dateless months would have been just fine.  The date consisted of meeting at a bar, having a drink (which I paid for), eating at a sandwich place (conveniently located next door!), and getting the ever anticipated (sarcasm) invite to his place to "watch a movie." I politely declined.  Is this what dating is now? Have I been out of the game that long? Are men really that lazy? And cheap?  And horny?  I am sure that I will laugh about this disaster at some point in my life, but unfortunately, right now, I am frustrated beyond belief and pretty bummed out. 

I wasn't expecting a lifelong partner out of this date but I thought I would at least get a decent meal and perhaps have a good time? 


Saturday, October 15, 2011

nervous. ahhh!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Thank God..

for strength.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

To prove myself is only proving to be futile
I was born to make mistakes, born to disappoint, and born to fail
God's imperfect child, this I am and forever will be

Slowly, but surely, I am waking.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

In a perfect world, you would be standing in front of me with your rare smile and everything would be be fine. I could take back the words I said and the tears that we both shed.  In a perfect world, I would stop these selfish thoughts.  I would let you be. Just be. We both know that's what you need most.  To just be. It's what I need as well. And I can't. I can never just be. To just take what I have and love it.  To love myself, is much more difficult than loving you.  I can point out your greatness and only see my flaws. 

My main flaw, hurting you.

Sadly, I think you forgave me, but I have yet to forgive myself. 

Friday, July 22, 2011

Gah.

 There are people who rely on homeless shelters for a roof over their head and soup kitchens for a hot meal. 

That being said... I'm still pretty unhappy about my financial situation right now, even though I know it could be way worse.

I find that the less funds that I have, the more hungry I am.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

dancing
ice cream
cake vodka
sunshine
laughing
coffee
summer
mom
sleep
grilling
nieces
nephews
flashcards
chats
beer
girlfriends
books
patients
wine
school
dresses
god
music
cheese
trivia
gg
____



let it be enough
I need school to start as soon as possible. 
Regret,


I would really appreciate it if you would quit FUCKING with my head.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

connection

Oh, how I miss thee internet.  Borders is a lovely establishment to hang out and utilize free wireless, but not my ideal pick. I will be making a trip to my cellular provider in the near future to see about purchasing some form of internet "hot spot".   I may have to downgrade other materialistic features, but in the name of the internet, it is worth it.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Fluff

I want soup, salad, and breadsticks from Olive Garden.






(My posts have been a tad drab lately, I apologize)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

It skips a beat from time to time..

 I am growing weary of seeing you everywhere I go.  These ghosts highlight my moments of regret and make me hang my head in shame.  
I look up to the sky searching for answers. My arms outstretched waiting for that embrace of contentment, that feeling that everything will be okay.  I will wait forever, I tell myself. Forever and a day.  



Monday, June 13, 2011

Nutrition

I cannot even begin to tell you the last time I cooked a meal. A real meal.  That being said, I don't know what I've been eating the past few months either. I am not wasting away and not blowing up into a blimp, so I guess that's a positive for one who has completely lost her mind in the areas of food consumption.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Revolving door

When one door closes.. another one gets slammed in your face.  

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Poll

To all of those in favor of democracy, I put up a poll on here. It can be found on the upper right hand side of my blog.  I have been toying with the idea of "opening" up a little more and was just looking for some input.  So, yeah, go vote and stuff. Or, feel free to comment on this post, if you don't think my choices are adequate.

I am like a bird...

All good things must come to an end. What self loathing bastard said that anyway? I'm a giver in relationships. I blame it on my mother, my grandmother, and whoever else in my bloodline of women decided that neglecting oneself and taking care of everyone else, was a grand idea.  Last night, I broke the cycle. I feel so free, so empowered, and so strong! So, why do I also feel so unsure as well. Why do I feel my skin crawling and the whispers of regret sneaking up on me? Why can I not rid myself of this bad taste that has been in my mouth ever since? Naked dreams. Does anyone have those? Where suddenly you find yourself in a crowded room and you ever so "conveniently" are without a stitch of clothing and all eyes are on you? That sums up my feelings about now.

Current fear? Fighting for what I believe in, settling for nothing, and ending up alone.  Is that the fate of a strong woman?


 For those worrying that I am on the verge of turning into a non-shaving, animalistic, picketing feminist, let me ease your mind.. The movie quote that consumes me at this moment is "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." 







Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Self destruction

I am masochistic. It's official.

Monday, May 30, 2011

I am only human

I crave love and affection and warmth. I need support and validation.  I want to be heard.  
Am I wrong in assuming that these things are what everyone needs and desires?  

Then why is it so hard for some to give?

Sunday, May 29, 2011

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on..

Keane- love this song.


I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know

This could be the end of everything,
So why don't we go,
Somewhere only we know,
Somewhere only we know,
Somewhere only we know. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The maze in my mind never ends...

I just read my random goal for the day, that is listed here on my own blog. I should remind myself of this goal on an hourly basis as it is one of my biggest personal flaws. *listed later in blog

As of late, I have been walking the fine line of being completely content and falling apart at the seams.  Unfortunately, the past few days have been teetering toward the latter.  In the beginning of April, I ended a five year relationship with one of my best friends, Mark. This decision has left me with immediate repercussions, self doubt, relief, freedom and guilt. However, the tell-tale sign that I made the right decision, is the absence of regret.  I know now that I cannot and will not look back. The "should haves", the "what ifs", and the "maybes" are not lingering in my mind. Instead, fears are affecting my suddenly single, 31 year old psyche.  One cannot prepare for the irrational thoughts that flood in...  gaining 100 lbs now that my extra time has led me straight to an all you can eat ice cream diet, becoming a schizophrenic cat lady whose only wardrobe consists of flannel nightgowns, and of course the ever popular, dying alone... just to name a few. 

My recent emotional roller coaster ride is not to be completely blamed on the fact that I closed the door on one major part of my life, but the fact that I have also closed doors and opened doors in other areas as well. Both, metaphorically and figuratively.  After almost 4 yrs of being a resident in the Third Ward, I have moved on to greener (hopefully!) pastures. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't always sunshine and rainbows at Gilbert Ave, but it was home.   The new residence houses only one roommate, dogs, and a random football player crashing on the couch.  Life will not be dull.

I cannot promise that I will get over this bump in my emotional state of mind immediately, but I will look forward and know that the possibilities are endless. I will keep in mind that being true to myself is the most important key to MY happiness and to not let others have control of my emotions ( random goal).
I desire to be passionate in my relationship(s), love without holding back, speak without censorship and laugh. Laughter is good.


If life is just a game, with no purpose, I do not want to participate.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Paradise

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Memories flood, words escape, time elapses

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Give

Volunteer.

I will finally be donating my time at a local hospital. I cannot wait! I am sure I will have some interesting stories to share!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Hola!

Mexico, I've never been. That all changes March 9th. I will be leaving the snowy mid-west for one glorious week.  I have not been on an airplane in years. Ten years to be exact. I love to fly, so that alone thrills me!  The fact that I am going to a tropical location in another country overwhelms me with joy.  Did I mention that my airfare and room expenses are taken care of?  I am so blessed to have such generous people in my life! 

Adios! (for now)





Saturday, January 29, 2011

Today

Appreciate, Appreciate, Appreciate!

Be thankful for what you have, TODAY.  Don't waste time worrying about what you WON'T have tomorrow!

Sorry for once again, another blogging hiatus.  We all get stuck in our ruts, right? More to continue...

 Movie time!