Maybe

Maybe, I am maturing. I find myself getting pure joy out of the simplest things. Whether it be sipping my mug of steaming hot tea, hearing a story about one of my nutty nieces or nephews, or anticipating my massive bear hug from Josh every night, I find myself completely content with the little things.

Maybe, I am just awake. Some don't realize how good they have it. I do. I have unconditional love. Through discouraging and uncertain times, I've found true friendship. People who desire my companionship and still value and respect what I have to offer. It is a gift to have friends to confide in, but to be needed? 

I believe all desire it to feel a sense of purpose. 

Maybe, it's just my turn. In the movie Goodwill Hunting, there is a scene where Robin Williams is finally getting through to Matt Damon in a therapy session by repeating over and over "It's not your fault".  

In a way, I feel like Josh is my Robin Williams.  He has calmly sat there through my stubborn, emotional, temper tantrum antics and given me back my sanity. Over, and over, and over again. I know he doesn't have to put up with my bullshit and most people wouldn't. Instead, he says things to me such as: "You are a neurotic mess and I love you". The man is a saint (who snores like a bear). 

Maybe...

Maybe, I am just happy. 

"Love means giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to."

This blank page isn't going to fill itself.

There is someone out there who will adore you. It's true.  Not only will they adore you and tell you that they adore you, but they will show it as well.  

I didn't believe it, but I have finally witnessed it myself.  "Finally it's happened to me..."

For whatever reason, living at home for a couple months left me with very little drive to blog. The creative juices dried up along with the privacy (sorry mom).

Well, I no longer am living at home and things have definitely changed.                            

I am obnoxiously happy. Seriously. All the pieces are finally coming together. I am officially employed and start my new career as a Certified Medical Assistant on Monday.  I am excited and fearful at the same time.  It is a huge step for me and will be a major adjustment to go from being a student for years to working full-time.  I hope to live up to everyone's expectations and not fall flat on my face.

a smidgen of what I miss...

people
phoenix park
pad thai
panera
volumeone
coldstone
joynt
rays
hollow
downtown
tequila
trails
bonfires
gordys
galloway
racy's
livery
firehouse
stave
trivia
stella's
target
hipsters
famvid
bridges
dogs
grilling
echo
gilbert
smoothies
roundabouts
festival
chocolate croissants
sidewalks
...

Profound statement of the day: 

Dating like a dude is easy until you realize that you are a chick.

Dating like a dude.

I am done wasting time. I am done devoting countless hours, thoughts, and emotions to one (lucky) guy for two-three months, only to find out that they actually don't have any intentions of settling down. Ever. 

For the past month, I have been communicating with 3-5 males on a semi-regular basis and weeding through the commitment-phobes at a much faster rate. The advantages? I'm not getting prematurely emotionally invested, the attention is nice, and meeting new people is always a rush. Plus, I have some pretty entertaining stories to share with my friends. 

To be continued...

I don't have a job, a steady income, and as of June 1st, a secure place to live. I also won't have health insurance nor do I have a husband to rely on for emotional or financial support. I don't come from a wealthy family that can give me a loan until I get back on my feet. Sometimes, I feel like the weight of the world has pushed me to the ground and that I won't be able to get back up. Sometimes, I look to the sky and scream at the top of my lungs at the God that surely is punishing me for something. There are those sad, self loathing days that even getting out of bed seems impossible.
But I do. I push on. Why? It's the dance party that I had during a softball game with my 14 year old niece.  It's the dating advice from my 18 year old niece that has me cracking up every time I think of it.  It's the completely random 45 minute phone call from a couple of friends that I can barely understand because we are laughing more than speaking. It's the text message at 11 at night from my smart ass brother that has me grinning ear to ear. It's my mom telling me not to ever leave my drink unattended, ever. It's a friend insisting that I walk for graduation because I am the reason she made it through.
It's sunshine and wine.


It's all of these things and so much more.

It's probably a good thing that you don't live closer. 

Things need to magically fall into place.

Reflective this Saturday morning as I am sipping on my usual hot chocolate/swiss coffee mix. Please don't forget the whipped cream. Who cares if it's from a can and adds an extra 21 unnecessary calories. It is Saturday and I slept in. Well, I slept in until 7:30 a.m. Aging is apparent when sleeping in does not consist of rubbing ones bleary crusted over eyes, rolling over and glancing at a clock that reads 11:47 and groaning sounds of disappointment. No, instead it is waking up with a start, excited to see that you have not wasted most of the morning, feel well rested, and look forward to simplicity, such as coffee and pandora. Add job hunting to the list and my morning is set.

Good Morning.

So many cliche phrases, sayings, and quotes are running through my mind right now. "I'd rather loved and lost than never loved at all..." or  "Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option..." and the ever popular "Everything happens for a reason..."



Silly as they sound, they are what help push me forward.

I am getting antsy. I have so many decisions to make. They are coming up so fast. Where to live, where to work, where to love?  I don't want to have any regrets.

I am so pissed. You think you know someone...

Testing

Testing a new blog template. Again. I get bored fast, what can I say?

Bliss.

I love weekends. I especially love weekends that contain the perfect blend of fun, relaxation, and productivity.

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..."

I built these walls. I thought they were stronger.

Distractions. Temporary. Alleviate things for a moment or two. An hour if you are lucky. Distractions actually make things worse. They delay you from feeling things at the rate you are to supposed to feel them. When the distraction is gone you feel things at a rate that you are unprepared for. The gravity of things swallow you whole. You are engulfed by flames of regret, denial, and sadness. I am unsure as to which is the worst. All hurt. All cause pain.

3 posts. 1 night. Record breaking? Earth shattering? Not quite.

It's official, bring in the straight jacket.
Just made an ass out of myself. I am getting to be a pro at that.
I am spinning.
My head has never weighed so much.

I LOVE

Myself.

I could go on...

I could say so much. I could go on for hours. I could tell you everything. If only you would listen. You would understand. Just sit there. Please. In front of me, in that chair. Just open your eyes, close your mouth. I need to tell you about that day. I can tell you the details and I can explain why. Don't get angry. And don't get sad either. I can't take your sad eyes. They kill me every time. Everysingletime.  Trust me. I know you do, but I need to hear you say it. Just say it. Please.  I could say so much... but you stop me. You stop me every single time. You don't know you stop me, but you do. Don't stop me. Please. 

I could go on for hours... 

Everybody is just a stranger but
that's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
still "Everything happens for a reason"
is no reason not to ask myself

Am I living it right, am I living it right?
Am I living it right?






J.Mayer

2 weeks early, better than 2 weeks late. 

5 days left until the sweet escape.

32 yrs and little gained.

50 miles and I find hope.

Dark and gloomy.

I should be doing something else, something productive, something that requires brain power. Unfortunately, the truth is, I just can't. My mind is stunted. It has been for two weeks. I've had procrastination bouts in the past, where motivation is lacking and distractions are prevalent.  But what I am going through now? This is a foreign experience. One that I rock back and forth between accepting and fighting on a daily basis.

Tonight, as I have a pile of note cards, my binder, and other miscellaneous school supplies strewn across my bed, I have entered acceptance. This is my fate.

It's official, I've reached level fear. The point in the relationship where things are going well. Really well. Too well. The phrase "leave well enough alone" comes to mind.  The anxiety and paranoia are on high alert. The palms are sweaty.

 A word, a gesture, a look.. they all can make or break me in this stage. 

Heart and mind, please meet in perfect harmony for once and not lead me to self destruction. 

 

Stay you.

I would like a crystal ball. Please and thank you.

Stifle:  To keep in or hold back; repress

I am strongly considering making an appointment with a neurologist.

I wasn't made for holding back. So, why am I doing it?

I finished my 3rd day of my last semester of school today.  It feels like my 3rd week.  My stress reactions are consistent when compared to last semester.  I am continuing with the panicking, stomach issues, sleepless nights, and binge eating. I am, once again, my own worst enemy. I love school.
Positive thoughts... positive thoughts...

Speaking of positive thoughts... another area of my life is going above average. That's all folks.

Yesterday, I was 21 years old. 

I swear...

When you are standing on the highest mountain and take the largest leap you risk falling the hardest and hurting the most.  Taking those steps to the top take so much effort and seem to leave you breathless and wondering if it is all really worth it. Is it really worth it? For those who have not reaped the reward, they may say that it's not.  I've taken the fall time and time again. I've got the scars to prove it. 

Upward climb, here I come. 

The saying "breath of fresh air" has a whole new meaning to me now.