So many movies... so little cash.

I need to see so many movies.

Little Miss Sunshine
Revolutionary Road
The Notebook
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Twilight (heard this was awful, but I read the book...)
He's just not that into you
Gran Torino
Taken
Milk
A Walk To Remember
Gone with the Wind
Casablanca
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
My Sister's Keeper (another book)
No Country for Old Men
Sex and the City
Breakfast at Tiffany's
The Family Stone
The Reader
27 Dresses
Slumdog Millionaire
Shop Girl
Waitress
Garden State

Okay,that's enough for more. I need to get me some Netflix or something...
Oh, and anyone want to over some reviews? No spoilers though! :)

lowercase this place

this blogging thing is harder than i thought. imagine that. seriously, i dont know if I should blog about things that are big, things that are little, things that are profound. really, do people care about the little things? like, how the other day i shoveled the sidewalk and parts of the driveway, and then i cleaned off my car and knocked a bunch of snow on to the driveway. this of course bothered me so much that i had to reshovel that area. do people really want to know how neurotic i can be. or how about the fact that i am not using all the correct capitalization and punctuation in this blog because i am lazy and find that i can type 3 times faster without doing so? honestly, i feel more open and creative when i am lying in my bed. unfortunately, my computer is usually downstairs in the living room, completely shutdown. so that is the main reason i dont blog very much. oh, and the fact that my life is mostly boring with a little uninteresting mixed in. feelings i have been having lately: anxiousness... mostly due to not being able to get into a program at school yet. moody... due to being female. haha. seriously, my hormones have been a ragin' lately. what gives? guilt... i have been feeling guilty for inflicting my moodiness on innocent bystanders. guilty for not doing more productive things with all my free time. for not being a better friend. a better girlfriend. a better sister. a better daugther. a better roomate. yeah, so mostly been feeling guilty lately, huh? hmmm.... that has definitely got to change.
getting excited lately though, that is a good feeling. can't wait til my sis pops out her kid in may. i hope she throws out all her name ideas and decides to name munchkin after me. florence is a good boy name, right? seriously, i cant wait to see her as a mom. tear.
valentines day was last weekend. was a little bummed that mark had to work late, but we made the best of it. we did our annual trip to olive garden. its one of our few traditions and it made me happy. i like traditions. they make me smile. no, i am not drunk. ahh, i still have some chocolates left over. i have been playing russian roulette with them. so far, its been about a success rate of about 50-50.
its getting late, and i hvae to hit the restroom. was going to make brownies, but sleep sounds more appealing. never thought i would say that...




i met God awhile back. more about that, later.

just one more thing...

I want to have babies. I have always wanted to have babies. Let me clarify. I want to have my own babies, carried in my own stomach. Being the sometimes unhealthy person that I am, that may not be a realistic option for me when the timing is right. Only recently has this started to bother me. The reality of not being capable of carrying my own child has been creeping up on me for whatever reason and its not something that I can shake off. I have accepted the fact that I most likely will not be able to start having children until I am over thirty, I can deal with that. However, that option of not having them at all? Devastating. I find my eyes welling up with pools of saltiness at just the mere thought of it. I always pride myself in being this positive person, who is always trying to find the sun behind every cloud. However, with this specific subject matter it just doesn't seem feasible to me right now. Positivity seems to escape me. You see, I did say that I have always wanted and wanted... yet, I have never pictured it happening to me. I have told myself over and over that it will probably not happen because of the meds I am, because of the risks, etc... This way I can't be as disappointed. Unfortunately, I am starting to feel disappointed already and I am nowhere near even being ready to try to get pregnant or even see what my options are (if any). Sometimes, I feel greedy. Asking God for a healthy pregnancy and baby would be too much. I have had too many blessings, too many prayers answered to be expecting this as well.

This is my new fear.

"Two kidney transplants? Love? Shelter? Food? Florence Anne, you have used up your miracles for this lifetime."
Love,
God.

Because I can.

I have the tendency to rewrite sentences in my blogs over and over. I'm not exactly sure why. Afterall, this is just a glorified diary of sorts, albeit a public one, but still. Why do I feel the need to censor/edit/correct my personal writing.

I should take a butter knife to my backspace button and eliminate all temptations of editing.

I am $1408.00 away from paying off my first vehicle. Ever.

I always get the urge to write a blog when I am exhausted.

Hmm, I am going to write an amazing blog soon. I promise.

Feeling a little freaked out right now, being home alone is nice sometimes, but freaky at other times. Like for example; when it's 11:46 p.m. and you are sitting on the couch, in your fuzzy pajamas, next to a large window (with no curtains, because they fell down on your head). I'm going to bed. Where its safe. And the windows are covered.

Don't mess with imperfection.

Welcome to 2009. With the new year comes resolutions, so-called life changes, and a new outlook. As cliche as it may sound, I have a good feeling about this year. My main goal is to maintain a positive on outlook no matter what God may throw at me.
I will strive to have a healthy and happy relationship and settle for nothing less. I will be receptive to constructive criticism and accept that there is always room for improvement.
I will not let financial, health, or social issues that I cannot control, bring me down.
I will let myself feel without being ashamed.
I will make mistakes and I will learn from them.
I will admit when I am wrong.
I will not regret.
I will embrace the person that I have become.
I will have (more) faith.
I will blog more.

Giving

Recovering from shingles. The blotches are still present and the pain is still lingering, but I feel better. Both mentally and physically. I had my creatinine checked last monday to make sure that it didn't affect my kidney function and the level actually went down (which is good). I let out a huge sigh of relief upon hearing that information. No matter what, I will always have that slightly paranoid and cautious thought process when it comes to my health.

In other news, I am poor. Shocking, I know. I am not poor to the point where I struggle to put food on the table or can't afford to put gas in my car, don't get me wrong. However, since it is the holiday season, I can't help but feel even more disheartened about financial matters. I love giving. There is no better feeling than picking out the perfect gift for a loved one and watching them open it. Not being able to do this absolutely crushes me and leaves me feeling a little embarrassed as well. Sigh, and unfortunately, I have stubborn family members who, against my wishes, are still getting me a gift. I know their hearts are in the right places, but I just feel foolish showing up empty handed and leaving with my arms full. This has probably been the worst Christmas for me financially. Usually, I am at least able to afford getting something small for my nieces and nephews and I just don't even see that happening this year. :(
I am not completely feeling like a failure though. I am trying to think of creative homemade things that I can do for people that are super cheap, if not free. So, if anyone has any ideas, feel free to let me know! : )

Shingle all the way...

Last Tuesday I found a red spot on my side, no biggie.. just a little red pimply thing. Me, being the sickly person I am, was a little paranoid. Wednesday rolls along and my one red dot manifested into one large welt like thing, and several red dots in a separate area. Since Thanksgiving was the next day, I decided I had better get it checked out asap. Honestly, this story could be two sentences and be over with and you would get the jist of everything. However, I feel like I need to reiterate to the non-believers of the world.... that everything really does happen for a reason.
(Keep in mind that I am in Turtle Lake at this point at my mom's)
Medical chain of events happen like so, continuing from Wednesday.
I call my sister at the Rice Lake clinic (30ish miles away), explain what the thing looks like. She tells me that I should just get it checked out to be on the safe side. Next, I call the Turtle Lake clinic in town, to see if I can get in there, since its only two miles away. The receptionist informs me that there is only one Physician in and that they are booked. She then transfers me a medical assistant (which is what my sister is), who asks me to describe what the rash looks like. After doing so, she tells me she will relay the info to the Dr, and if he thinks its is quesionable and needs to see it, she will call me back. Meanwhile it is 11 a.m and I start thinking I should look for an alternative opinion.

So, I call the Cumberland Clinic (ten miles away). They are also booked solid. Reluctantly, I call back the Rice Lake clinic back and see if I can get in there with someone... anyone. Slight glimmer of hope with an opening in ten minutes, but I wouldn't make it unless I flew. Apparently, clinics are the place to be the day before the holiday...

Moving on to my last option. Urgent Care. I despise Urgent Care. Coughing, sneezing, bleeding, germy people all shoved in one room. Ugh. So, as I am driving to Urgent Care, in Rice Lake, I leave a message for my Nephrologist to call me back if he has any openings. I get checked into Urgent Care and am anxiously sitting there, trying not to get overly annoyed with the snotty kid and the gossipy receptionists. After reading yesterdays news and sitting there for 15 minutes, I check my phone. One new voicemail. Not caring if I am violating some cell phone hospital regulation, I do what any red blooded american would do. Listen to it. My luck finally changed and my nephrologist had an opening for me in an hr. Trying not to jump for joy, I sign my happy butt outta Urgent Care.

My Doc looks at me, and initially says its a fungal infection. This makes sense to me, since I have been exercising more than usual and have been working up a sweat (I know, I rock). Then he starts doing more diagnostic questioning and pauses and excuses himself. He comes back and decides that it actually could be shingles. It doesn't look like the typical shingles outbreak, but I am not the typical patient, either. So, he decides to do a culture (ouch), prescribe an antiviral medication, and warns me about the dangers of shingles and transplant patients. Lovely. Thanksgiving comes and goes, my rash gets worse and becomes more painful/itchy and shingle like. Friday, I get a phone call from my doctor (yes, he actually called me himself) and he tells me that although the culture results aren't back, he is pretty sure that I do have shingles (based on what I told him). This is confirmed with the results that come in on Monday.

So, back to the moral of this story? What would have happened, had I seen a Turtle Lake or Cumberland doctor? Someone who didn't know my history and just sent me off with a cream. Or, even if I had stayed at Urgent Care? I know it sounds off the wall, but the whole time I sat there, I felt uneasy. I just can't explain it. There is definitely a reason why I was able to see my nephrologist and no one else, why the medical assistant from Turtle Lake didn't call me back, why I had such a long wait in Urgent Care. If things hadn't happened how they did, I could have gone two full days longer without either being on an antiviral medication or seeing a doctor at all. I don't want to think about the havoc that could have wreaked on my fragile kidney. Don't get me wrong, I am still not in the clear with this, I have to get my kidney level checked next week to check for any damage. At least I know that I did everything possible to keep myself healthy though.

I will plan on going with my gut instinct from now on and I advise you to do the same.