just one more thing...

I want to have babies. I have always wanted to have babies. Let me clarify. I want to have my own babies, carried in my own stomach. Being the sometimes unhealthy person that I am, that may not be a realistic option for me when the timing is right. Only recently has this started to bother me. The reality of not being capable of carrying my own child has been creeping up on me for whatever reason and its not something that I can shake off. I have accepted the fact that I most likely will not be able to start having children until I am over thirty, I can deal with that. However, that option of not having them at all? Devastating. I find my eyes welling up with pools of saltiness at just the mere thought of it. I always pride myself in being this positive person, who is always trying to find the sun behind every cloud. However, with this specific subject matter it just doesn't seem feasible to me right now. Positivity seems to escape me. You see, I did say that I have always wanted and wanted... yet, I have never pictured it happening to me. I have told myself over and over that it will probably not happen because of the meds I am, because of the risks, etc... This way I can't be as disappointed. Unfortunately, I am starting to feel disappointed already and I am nowhere near even being ready to try to get pregnant or even see what my options are (if any). Sometimes, I feel greedy. Asking God for a healthy pregnancy and baby would be too much. I have had too many blessings, too many prayers answered to be expecting this as well.

This is my new fear.

"Two kidney transplants? Love? Shelter? Food? Florence Anne, you have used up your miracles for this lifetime."
Love,
God.