rough draft

this feeling in the pit of my stomach...
when will it go away?
these words replaying in my head...
which ones shall I choose to say?

these eyes of mine have seen so much ...
when will it feel as I have had enough?
freely the wind blows and cleanses my soul
yet these emotions have already taken their toll

moments have passed, time will no longer wait...
has my unwavering guilt sealed my fate?
these answers I may forever seek...
for the questions I am unable to speak.

Fitness Queen?

So Fitness Queen might be a stretch...

I ran for a full two minutes today. Impressive, right? Those who know me well, actually will think that it is very impressive. I also walked for roughly 42 minutes. Why don't I do this more often? I felt amazing and full of energy afterwards! Okay, I know why I don't do it more often. I am too poor for a gym membership, I live in Wisconsin, where pretty much 40 percent of the year, the weather is not ideal for exercise and that other detail... I'm lazy.
Tomorrow is supposed to be above 50 degrees, so walking I shall go. Again. I promise. Who knows? I could even run again...


Life is full of surprises.

Pride

In one year and one day I will be thirty. Seriously, where has the time gone? I have had many ups and downs in my life and am ready for the downs to be over with. However, I am beginning to learn that no matter how old I am, how much I have been through, God always has new challenges awaiting me.

A recent battle of mine has to do with morality, standing up for what I believe in, and knowing when to back down. I'm a stubborn girl. When I have an opinion in something, or feel I have been wronged, it takes quite a bit for me to back down.
With this latest battle, my integrity and my pride seem to be clashing. God knows I need to take the high road and be the bigger person. I just wish that it were that easy. I need to realize that just because another may resort to insults and venom, it doesn't mean that I need to stoop to their level. Let's face it though, I, like everyone else, strive have my voice heard.

When does it become pointless? Is vindication too selfish of a desire?

just one more thing...

I want to have babies. I have always wanted to have babies. Let me clarify. I want to have my own babies, carried in my own stomach. Being the sometimes unhealthy person that I am, that may not be a realistic option for me when the timing is right. Only recently has this started to bother me. The reality of not being capable of carrying my own child has been creeping up on me for whatever reason and its not something that I can shake off. I have accepted the fact that I most likely will not be able to start having children until I am over thirty, I can deal with that. However, that option of not having them at all? Devastating. I find my eyes welling up with pools of saltiness at just the mere thought of it. I always pride myself in being this positive person, who is always trying to find the sun behind every cloud. However, with this specific subject matter it just doesn't seem feasible to me right now. Positivity seems to escape me. You see, I did say that I have always wanted and wanted... yet, I have never pictured it happening to me. I have told myself over and over that it will probably not happen because of the meds I am, because of the risks, etc... This way I can't be as disappointed. Unfortunately, I am starting to feel disappointed already and I am nowhere near even being ready to try to get pregnant or even see what my options are (if any). Sometimes, I feel greedy. Asking God for a healthy pregnancy and baby would be too much. I have had too many blessings, too many prayers answered to be expecting this as well.

This is my new fear.

"Two kidney transplants? Love? Shelter? Food? Florence Anne, you have used up your miracles for this lifetime."
Love,
God.

Choppy

I'm in a funk. Lonely and self pitying. It has to stop.
Halloween. I had a great night with my nieces and nephews and the rest of the family.
However, the second I got in my car, by myself, I felt blah.
Perhaps, I shouldn't spend any time alone, I think too much.
I ate Portillo's today. This probably means nothing to the people who read my blog. If you are curious, google it.
I finally squeezed into jeans that haven't fit me in two years. Sure, they were a little snug, but they fit... and that made me happy.
It's my grandparents (Fred's mom and dad) 50th wedding anniversary party this weekend. It blows my mind. 50 years with the same person is amazing. If I want to have a shot at being married that long, I better get married tomorrow.
I'm a jealous person. I wish I wasn't, it's not something I am proud of.
I miss my dad. I wish I had an extra 300 dollars lying around so I could fly down to Florida to see him.
This blog is so unstructured and it really bothers me. But, it resembles my thoughts right now. Choppy and random.
I think everyone should keep a diary and write in it at least once a week. I retract that. Once a month. If I were to say once a week, that would be hypocritical.
Writing this pointless blog is keeping me from the unevitable. Thinking.

Goodnight.