I knew this would happen.

Just disregard my previous post. Well, maybe not all of it. Last night I reached the point that I was afraid would come. I miss him. Or I think I miss him. I don't know the difference anymore. I knew that things were too good to be true. I knew that I was handling it all just a little too well. I hate that I sound like some high-school drama queen right now. This unsure feeling sucks. In the back of my mind, I hear the reasonable voice, telling me that its not him I miss, just the idea of him.
I just want to know, or maybe deep down I do and I just can't admit it. This is the first time that I have felt genuinely upset about us.

This is probably just an off day.







I babble sometimes.

Turn the page

After almost two and a half years of being in a serious relationship, I am now single. Single, and not looking, that is. I could go into a melodramatic rant right now about the whole situation, what went wrong, and who is to blame. But, we have enough of that on t.v now, don't we? Who am I kidding, I just don't want to rehash the past. Honestly, I really don't see any reason in looking back at this point. I want to live in the present and move forward. Now is the time to find out what I really want out of my life and to gain the confidence to accomplish it. I won't lie, I'm a little nervous. Maybe a little lonely too... However, I have faith that I will make it, afterall, I always do.

Creatinine

My levels went up. I am unhappy. Transplant center has been jerking around with my medication for the past two months and they finally succeeded in elevating my creatinine. So, now I have to get everything checked again in two weeks... if the levels don't come down, then I have to go to the U of M. Crap. The coast is never clear.

Life dreams

I want to be an olympian. Is it too late? Is olympian supposed to be capitalized? So many questions... My dad once told me that I have a swimmers back. Not that it ever got me anywhere. Could it be that I fear water? Oh, and I have the height of a gymnast, not the weight... but that will come after time. So many attributes of an olympian... how did I not realize this true destiny of mine 20 years ago? Unfortunately, when I was 8, I wanted to be an opera singer.
Still working on that...

***** Ooh.. OLYMPIAN is supposed to be capitalized. I should have known. Such greatness demands CAPITALIZATION!

What dreams may come?

I don't know if my blog is the place to do it, but I need to start jotting down some of my dreams. I guess it's my blog and I can do whatever I please, right? Feel free to skip this blog.

First dream of the week: Riding in the car with two close friends, one not as close friend? Anyway, the "not as close" friend's father had just passed away and we were heading to the funeral together. Which was being held at the movie theatre. This dream is messed up on so many levels. The driver of the car is one of my close friends and she is being completely inconsiderate, stopping at random places, taking the longest route possible, ignoring my request for her to hurry, etc... My feeling in the dream is of complete awkwardness. I feel ticked at my driving friend for being such a jerk, I am anxious because we are going to be late for the funeral, and I am uncomfortable for my "not as close" friend in the front seat... who obviously didn't have a better ride to this unfortunate event. Where is the rest of her family? Remember the other "close" friend that is with us? She is just kind of in the background in this dream, which is strange cause she isn't normally that type of person in real life. This dream doesn't end at a funeral. No, somehow we end up at an abandoned warehouse that is loaded with chinese people who make me go through a strange obstacle course. Did I mention I was watching the olympics the night before... I wake up: wondering about my friend's dad.

Second dream: Ex-flame dream. Always the best, right? In the dream I am getting back together with him, happier than ever. I don't remember a single detail about this dream other than the person, the lovey-dovey feelings, and the fact that I have had this dream before. I wake up: depressed and hating the fact that I remember my dreams.

Third dream: This is another dream that is sketchy in its detail, but the plot is a familiar one in my dream. The jist of it is that I have conversations with Mark's ex-girlfriend and that we become close friends. I wake up: feeling relaxed, hopeful, and ambitious.

I think the first dream has much more detail because it is an unfamiliar plot for me. So, it was the most mysterious and interesting to for me to "tell".
I would love to be an expert on dream interpretation. Perhaps an expert will find my blog.... That would be lovely.

Never give up?

There are some things that we learn in life to never give up on. To never stop trying. When we were kids our parents told us that anything was possible if we set our mind to it. I have kept this mindset well into my adult life. Oh, I have had my issues remembering that I have that mindset... but it is always in the back of my mind. Kind of like my little motivational mantra to get me back on track.
Unfortunately, I have found that there are some things that no matter how hard you try, you will not achieve. As a matter of fact, sometimes the more you try, the less likely some things will happen. I mentioned in a different blog about how there will be people who don't like me, and I need to accept that. But, still, the inner twelve year old in me still exists. I am a pathetic Meredith Grey, standing in the elevator, constantly shouting "pick me,choose me, love me". Why do I constantly question whether or not certain people like me? Why do I waste my time? Why do I even care? Deep down, I know that I cannot make everyone adore me. Yet, I never stop trying...

This is better than sleep

My blog isn't set to private, yet. I really am wondering if I should change the privacy settings. So far I have had a whopping 66 views of it and really 52 views are probably from myself. Still, I really have to wonder about the other 14. I wish there was a way to see exactly who was reading my blog. If I was so technologically inclined, I would make it a rule that you had to sign in BEFORE you read my blog. Wouldn't that be slick? Oh, wait, they probably have that option. I just don't know how the hell to access it. Anyway, the privacy thing is something I will ponder for awhile.
Currently I am back in TL for awhile. I have an anniversary party to attend (which has ingredients for extreme drama, let me tell you...) and I have dog sitting duties for a week at the Ingham's (Mark's rents). So, this could only mean one thing... I AM FLIPPIN' DONE WITH ADVANCED A&P! Yes, that's right. The pain is over. Overall grade? 85 percent, solid B. I'll take it. If I had money, I would celebrate.
If I had a party favor thingie, I would blow it. If I had a horn, I would toot it. You get the drift. I just wanted to let all you friends and strangers alike, that I am finally breathing normally now. I will try to write more blogs now. I am already envisioning a "Dog sitting with Labs" one that will have everyone on the edge of their seats.
To my four friends who have commented on my blog, thanks. It means the world to me that you take the time to read about "my little world"