Fall.

I don't talk about it all the time, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about it.  

There are days that I think about the first kidney donated to me. It was from my older brother. I guess I could say that it is from my brother. I still have it, even though it isn't working anymore. I feel like I borrowed something from him and forgot to return it. I also feel ashamed and guilty. I still am so pissed that my body fought against this gift. And, I am sure that he feels somewhat inept, like maybe he wasn't good enough? Maybe not so much, anymore, since it was 13 years ago. Maybe, he never felt that way? I guess I can't assume too much. 

We don't talk about it. 

I have dreams about my former step-father. I wake up angry and frustrated. I wake up wanting to inflict pain on him.  It has almost been three years and I still hate him as if it were three days. His actions changed people. My mother will never be the same. Her relationships will never be the same. I  will never be the same. I wish I knew what he honestly thought, not the lies he tells. I wonder if he is actually capable of feeling remorse. I will never know these things. 

We won't talk about it. 

Having children. Anything can set me off. A simple comment, a photograph, or a post on social media...it doesn't take much to send me into the darkness. I am not sure there are words to explain it. With the help of Josh though, I eventually get myself back toward the light. Most days...

I can't talk about it. 

Serenity

Marriage. We need hobbies.

There are no off-limit conversations in our household. I adore the open forum, no holding back atmosphere.

However, I do sometimes wonder what an outsider would think of our antics. 

For example, I thought nothing of asking Josh how his butt was tonight... 

And, even better, he didn't hesitate with his response. 

We will just call this intimacy at its finest.

Never too far behind

Good manners. Wilson always waits for me. Okay, not always...

MLK

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Pause

I wasn't invited to my nephew's birthday gathering. He turned eleven today. He is also my Godson. Even if I was an Afterthought Godparent, I was an aunt first. So, either way, family; a special place in my heart.

These things, they make time stand still for a moment. They break my heart and it takes me a moment to catch my breath.

January 1st, 2015.

I was designated driver last night. Zero hangover. This is cause for celebration alone.

Despite this, I didn't get much sleep and decided to declare a section of my afternoon for napping. I napped for two luxurious hours.

I shouldn't have. In that time period, I had four separate dreams that were more closely related to nightmares. This girl rarely remembers her dreams in her old age (ha!) and really could've gone without remembering these. 

My mind, my subconscious never ceases to amaze me. 

For this upcoming year, I will strive to have more faith and less negativity.

I will continue to embrace simplicity and count my blessings. 

I cannot control my dreams in my subconscious, but I can control those in my awakened state. 

Ailments aside...

I think it is natural, as you age, to have the number of people you trust, decrease. Right along with the number of friends that one keeps close.

And, there are a bazillion weeks worth of pinterest quotes that tell you to set something/someone free if it is not bettering you (or something like that),blah, blah, blah...right?  

All this self empowerment bullshit, all this "I am stronger than my critics" mumbo jumbo, is it real? Does one feel better after shutting the doors to the so-called negativity and/or criticism? Is it really encouraging us to be cold, emotionless, and apathetic? Don't get me wrong, I am not an advocate for abuse of any sort... or tolerating bullshit.

However, are we skipping that moment where we should be looking at ourselves in the mirror and asking, "Do I like what I see?" Or maybe, just maybe... swallowing our pride and saying,  "maybe it is me, not them." 

Cutting ties just seems to be the easy and unemotional choice these days. 

Winter Ailment Update.

Brandy dose will be considerably more than two tablespoons.

Winter ailments

Tonight, I substitute Brandy for my cough syrup.

Best photo from our one year anniversary dinner. Better late than never! 

Don't be a bubble buster.

In this world there is limited place for a married, 34 year old childless female, to have close, mature girlfriends to bond with. I officially know what it feels like to be in a league of my own. And it's lonely.

Some people try too hard. Others don't try hard enough.

Transitions are hard. Even so many years ago, in English class, I struggled. Metaphorical foreshadowing, perhaps?

I have difficulty with the grey lately. For some reason I have only been able to see things in black and white. I don't know if it is an age thing or maybe I have just become some self righteous bitch. Either way, I have zero tolerance for bullshit. Unfortunately, I have been dealt a lot of bullshit lately and it is a tad insulting that people actually think that I am buying it.

Starting to learn...

Quality over Quantity.

Also

"Add it to the list" has become my catchphrase as of late.
If you know me well, you know it's not a exactly a positive one.
If you know me well, I've been saying it daily.

Never stop learning.

I'm learning more now, at 33 years old, than I ever thought possible.
I honestly thought I was done with the big stuff by now.
Pretty naive, huh?

Insanity

You find out who your friends are..