Fall.

I don't talk about it all the time, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about it.  

There are days that I think about the first kidney donated to me. It was from my older brother. I guess I could say that it is from my brother. I still have it, even though it isn't working anymore. I feel like I borrowed something from him and forgot to return it. I also feel ashamed and guilty. I still am so pissed that my body fought against this gift. And, I am sure that he feels somewhat inept, like maybe he wasn't good enough? Maybe not so much, anymore, since it was 13 years ago. Maybe, he never felt that way? I guess I can't assume too much. 

We don't talk about it. 

I have dreams about my former step-father. I wake up angry and frustrated. I wake up wanting to inflict pain on him.  It has almost been three years and I still hate him as if it were three days. His actions changed people. My mother will never be the same. Her relationships will never be the same. I  will never be the same. I wish I knew what he honestly thought, not the lies he tells. I wonder if he is actually capable of feeling remorse. I will never know these things. 

We won't talk about it. 

Having children. Anything can set me off. A simple comment, a photograph, or a post on social media...it doesn't take much to send me into the darkness. I am not sure there are words to explain it. With the help of Josh though, I eventually get myself back toward the light. Most days...

I can't talk about it. 

Serenity

Marriage. We need hobbies.

There are no off-limit conversations in our household. I adore the open forum, no holding back atmosphere.

However, I do sometimes wonder what an outsider would think of our antics. 

For example, I thought nothing of asking Josh how his butt was tonight... 

And, even better, he didn't hesitate with his response. 

We will just call this intimacy at its finest.

Never too far behind

Good manners. Wilson always waits for me. Okay, not always...

MLK

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Pause

I wasn't invited to my nephew's birthday gathering. He turned eleven today. He is also my Godson. Even if I was an Afterthought Godparent, I was an aunt first. So, either way, family; a special place in my heart.

These things, they make time stand still for a moment. They break my heart and it takes me a moment to catch my breath.