My little world

Up north

2009-12-29T17:21:00.000-08:00

Currently reading..

2009-12-27T20:09:00.000-08:00

Handle with Care by Jodi Picoult. I received it as a Christmas present this year and am already hooked. Will post updates when I am done.

Christmas blog to come.

For now...

2009-12-07T14:06:00.000-08:00

I find when I have nothing keeping me super busy, I lack complete ambition to blog. I'm not sure it's an embarrassment issue or what. It is much more rewarding writing about life when there are multiple things going on, and you feel like you are a productive person. Since I am not working, going to school, or saving the world I should expand my horizons and try changing it up a bit and write about social economics, war, religion... or not.

To get the school issue out of the way.. I failed. Really, that's the bottom line. The expectations were at a certain level and I wasn't able to meet them. I still have some slight animosity toward my egomaniacal instructor, that pushed and pushed without having an ounce of compassion. Or a soul for that matter. Realistically though, it was all me. I am to blame. Almost two months later, it still hurts to admit that I failed at something that I thought I was going to be amazing at. My school journey will continue in the Spring with the Central Service Technician Program. Only a semester long, it basically just entails the sterilization of the instruments that are to be used in surgery. I'm ready to move on.

Since my failure, I haven't been doing too much. Things have been happening in my life, without my body leaving the couch. My Uncle Michael passed away a few weeks ago and I haven't fully realized what that means to me yet. He was one of the greatest men I have ever known. A person who lived life to its fullest, had a kind word for everyone, and just made you feel at ease the moment you met him. My father's brother, he was the first sibling of either of my parents to pass away. It bothers me that I don't' really know how my dad is dealing with the loss. Since he lives in Florida, I have been trying to read in between the pauses, fake cheerfulness and whatever other cues I am able to get through a telephone conversation. Which is hopeless.

to be continued

2009-12-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

It's been too long since I have last blogged. I promise a long one coming up, okay? Think the typical holiday theme, men, sickness, school, and much much more..

2009-10-08T18:19:00.001-07:00

This little light of mine.. I'm gonna let it shine.

So stressed, meltdowns upon meltdowns.

My light is burning out.

spare time

2009-09-25T19:15:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile. School will do that to a person, I suppose. Especially, school that limits my sleep. It's difficult to write a blog when the alternative is to see my boyfriend, whom I haven't seen in 4 or 5 days and he lives less than 2 miles away. When I am struggling to maintain my composure and the mere thought of my feelings brings tears to my eyes, blogging doesn't seem to be the smartest choice. I am just waiting for the moment when the flood gates open. The stress over the past 4 weeks has brought me to tears, but each time they start, I have managed to quickly recover. Except I really haven't recovered. For whatever reason I cannot completely let go and sob. Really sob. With my whole body. I feel unsatisfied, like squeezing bubble wrap and the result being a lackluster whine rather than a pop.

I am doing okay, but I find myself catching my breath, sighing as if I am forgetting to breathe.

So much for breathing being involuntary...

2009-09-02T04:57:00.001-07:00

I just need to let it out but I don't have time too.

thoughts

2009-08-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

Maybe you read my last post and are able to sense that I am trying to build a relationship with God. Or perhaps you think that I am reading the bible out of pure boredom, which I guess could be possible. Anyway, I have been having conversations with God lately, telling him what I am looking for out of life, expressing my fears, complaining about the Cubs... you know, the usual soul searching stuff. This is all going fine, except I have a small concern. Is God hard of hearing? Or maybe really soft spoken? Either way, I am afraid I am not hearing or seeing the answers I need.

Bottom line: One of us better start speaking up. Soon.

currently reading...

2009-08-23T20:53:00.000-07:00

The book of all books. The Bible. I am on page 16, which is the equivalent to page 73 in a "normal" book. The comprehension of this is so-so, I'm doing better than I thought I would be. However, keeping all these people straight.. and their children... and their children... and their children. You get the point.

It is all very time consuming and my ability to speed read is not coming in handy.

Different mood...

2009-08-23T12:10:00.001-07:00

I don't know what this means... but someone help me.

I've been watching movies on the Lifetime and Hallmark channels.

Frustration

2009-08-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

I wish I could send a letter to Bub's housemates. They need a lesson in communication and compassion, and I am more than willing to give them that lesson.

Unfortunately, it's not my place. It's not my place. It's not my place.
Will someone please keep telling me that over and over before I overstep my boundaries?

Thanks.

Never fear

2009-08-11T20:24:00.001-07:00

I made lasagna tonight for the second time in roughly 8 years. I'm not exaggerating either. The first time I made it obviously didn't turn out too well. I was ambitious back then, grabbing random ingredients, not so much as even glancing at a recipe. I was confident that my Italian roots alone would carry me to success. I was sadly mistaken. The result was so traumatizing that I almost had to be hypnotized to remember the outcome. The lasagna consisted of tough "more than al dente" noodles stuck together with a minuscule amount of sauce and cheese, cooked to a burnt crisp. I remember trying to chew through the first bite and tell myself that it really wasn't so bad. After a few more forced swallows I couldn't kid myself any longer and threw my lasagna and my heritage in the trash.

Lately, I had been revisiting my love of lasagna by viewing recipes online and soon I began toying with the idea of attempt numero dos. This time I researched carefully, looking for moderately easy recipes with ingredients that I could afford. I narrowed it down to a couple of recipes and decided to use them as my guide, not really following either one exactly. After shopping for my supplies at two different stores and a couple of hours of preparation, my masterpiece was finished. Now for me, cooking isn't fun unless you have someone to share it with. Luckily, I have just the hungry, (albeit picky) male for the job. Mark came over for dinner after a long hard day and had not one, but TWO massive servings and asked for some to take home as well.

SUCCESS!

Oh, I enjoyed the lasagna as well. I already have some ideas to do some minor tweaking.

My lasagna fear is now conquered.

just words

2009-08-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

I know I complain, but I am thankful.
I know I cry, but I am happy.
I know I yell, but I am calm.
I know I hurt, but I am strong.

I close my eyes, but I still see.
The pieces of you, the pieces of me.

I want to do more with this.. wish I could make a collage on a blog somehow.. thinking.. thinking..

I need to remember those moments I have, where I feel like no one "gets me".
I know I am not the only one. Too many times do we see what we want to see and not realize that there are so many more pieces to the puzzle. Even the silliest of people are much more deeper than we give them credit for.

"free your mind and the rest will follow"

Mile-stones

2009-07-27T20:13:00.001-07:00

Tonight, I ran a freaking mile! The last time I ran a mile, it was 1993.
Now you understand why I am so flipping happy. So happy, that I don't even care that it took me almost 15 minutes.

Rhythm

2009-07-26T11:43:00.001-07:00

I really wish I had a camera last night. I saw dance moves from Mark that I had never seen before. Sigh, I love him.

Congratulations to Jake and Michelle! Such a great wedding!

Good Intentions

2009-07-19T22:30:00.000-07:00

I bought bananas, blackberries and apples.

I made chocolate chip cookies and ate three.

No, it was four.

Odds

2009-07-19T17:53:00.001-07:00

I want to pee my pants every single time I think of my father's mispronunciation of cilantro.

"Cirantro". Priceless.

love hate relationship

2009-07-19T14:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Body,

Why do you hate me? Was it the glass of wine I had? The deep fried cheese curds? Or maybe it was the pan of rice krispie treats that I demolished in less than 24 hrs...? Don't hold a grudge, please. Remember the endless glasses of water I give you everyday? How about the walks I take you on when I am ambitious enough to get you off the couch? Oh! The showers I give you... c'mon, that must be heaven, right? Please, stop torturing me, I get the point. No more fun. Lets get back to bland boring food and a regular cardio routine.

No more smoking crack, I promise.

my mind, my worst enemy

2009-07-13T18:20:00.001-07:00

I despise the dreams that disappoint. No joy in waking up second guessing and feeling uneasy. I envy those that don't remember the stories that dance in their mind, in the middle of the night.

I will

2009-06-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

I will have more dance parties and not care that people are able see me through the window. I will channel my inner Shakira and learn how to shake my hips even if I end up breaking one. I will not shave my legs anymore, I usually miss half of it anyway. I will shave my head and be the best G.I. Jane I can be, rock hard abs and all. I will learn. I will gamble. I will enjoy ice cream whenever the temperature rises above 70 degrees and triggers my craving. I will sleep on the beach with nothing but my sleeping bag, the stars, and a handgun. I will no longer let grizzly bears haunt my dreams. I will love. I will get a tattoo of an organ donor ribbon on the back of my neck. I will run. I will buy a box of sangria and not feel ashamed if I finish it in a week. I will write a book. I will travel to Florence, Italy and stand among dozens of people (or streets) that share my name. I will be a mother. I will speak to God like he is my best friend, not some distant relative who lives miles away. I will sky dive. I will apologize. I will shed all negative thoughts, petty grudges and unfounded fears. I will show gratitude. I will show pain.

I will wake up.

I will not regret.

Paranoia

2009-06-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

The Lake House. Why do I love this movie so much? It probably made a handful of money in the box office and has Keanu Reeves as a lead romantic actor. Maybe because it is the one "chick flick" that Mark and I seen at the theatre together. Sigh... Or perhaps its just because I am a Pisces, a overly emotional sap.

I had been meaning to write a blog of my recent life events a long time ago, such as my new nephew, my father visiting. I don't really have an excuse for not blogging about it, other than not being in the mood. The visit with my dad was typical, the same as it usually is. Despite his overwhelming personality and inability to be serious, I am glad I was able to spend time with him. It had been two and a half years and I was starting to get paranoid that his health was spiraling out of control and he would be unrecognizable to me. As for my nephew, Gabe, all is well with him. When I say he is perfect, I could be biased.. but I'm not. He is perfect. Ask anyone. Now that I am back in Eau Claire, I miss him on a daily basis and worry that he will forget who I am. Silly, I know, but again.. that paranoia. I just can't kick it.

Oh..
Happy Early Father's Day to all those Dads out there!

rough draft

2009-05-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

this feeling in the pit of my stomach...
when will it go away?
these words replaying in my head...
which ones shall I choose to say?

these eyes of mine have seen so much ...
when will it feel as I have had enough?
freely the wind blows and cleanses my soul
yet these emotions have already taken their toll

moments have passed, time will no longer wait...
has my unwavering guilt sealed my fate?
these answers I may forever seek...
for the questions I am unable to speak.

Busy

2009-05-12T20:38:00.000-07:00

May is pure insanity. Already, I have attended one of Cabrina's softball games, celebrated Mother's Day with my family, hung out with Mark's family at the cabin in Chetek, conquered another anniversary with Mark (3 years!)and continued my up and down struggle with running. Yet to come is Timothy's college graduation in Duluth, the birth of my nephew, Greek food with Andrea, a much needed haircut, developing photos from my disposable cameras, saying goodbye to my roommate Tom, the birth of my friend's third child, picking up my dad from the airport (and dropping him off), getting a physical for school in the fall and of course continuing the running game.
I love to be busy! I have been bored for way too long.

I received my birthday present from Mark today. Yes, it was two months late (exactly), but it is something that I wanted and never would have bought for myself.
I am now a proud owner of a Carlos Zambrano Jersey. Considering that Mark oh so subtly measured me a couple months ago, I wasn't too shocked that my present was an article of clothing, ha ha! He always gives the most thoughtful gifts, but tends to give away his surprises. It doesn't help that I am the master detective and never miss a beat either.

Mark and I had a conversation about vacations the other day and how we really need to go on one this summer. Three years of dating and we haven't been on a vacation together with just the two of us! How sad! It was fun bouncing ideas off of each other and thinking of places that both of us would enjoy. I wouldn't say we are opposites, but we do have different tastes in this area and wherever we go, compromises will definitely need to be made. Oh, and a camera will need to be purchased! I am so tired of being without one. For those wondering why my blog lacks photos, this is why!

Okay, enough updates for now, I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow I am plan on venturing to a baby store called "Adorable". I am hoping to find unique gifts that I can get for a decent price. I can't believe that this baby will be here any day now!

more fitness

2009-05-05T20:00:00.000-07:00

I wish my life were more exciting right now and that I would have tons and tons of updates. Unfortunately, that is not the case. One thing that is somewhat of an update, is that I am still plugging away at the whole running thing. Last post I was overjoyed with the accomplishment of running for a mere two minutes. Now, I am up to ten. I still have no clue what the distance is, for all I know it could be half a mile, ha! Oh well, all I care is that my heart is getting a workout and that I feel amazing afterwards. Just when my ego starts to inflate, I come back to reality as soon as I start thinking of my sister-in law Heather, who is training for a marathon! Seriously, just to be training for one is impressive to me!

**okay, got a little lazy and was distracted here. will do another blog soon.

Pain

2009-04-27T21:09:00.001-07:00

I hate seeing people I love in emotional or physical distress. If only I had a magic wand...